Stepparenting

I like to be prepared. Recently I was thrown in at the deep end of stepparenting, without the kids and I really having prior opportunity to get to know each other. I was not prepared. Did I mention, I like to be prepared?! The timing between their father divorcing and remarrying was far less than suggested by various websites including helpguide.org(2016), which says “Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another”(Kemp, G., Segal, J., and Robinson, L.(2016). Given that the situation wasn’t going to change, I took this opportunity to look at areas of the stepparent and child relationship that needed attention now, as well as aspects that would undoubtedly come up in the future. Having read articles online, one in particular by Golish(2003) caught my attention. She reported in her findings that despite the strength or weakness of the stepfamilies they all faced the similar challenges. She refined them to these 7 categories;


(a) “feeling caught”,
(b) regulating boundaries with a non-custodial family,
(c) ambiguity of parental roles,
(d) “traumatic bonding”
(e) vying for resources,
(f) discrepancies in conflict management styles, and
(g) building solidarity as a family unit.
(Golish, 2003)


These categories have given me insights and direction on areas that I need to improve. For this assignment I decided to focus on; Bonding - building solidarity as a family unit, and Ambiguity in roles.


Stepparenting has similarities and differences to a typical family. However a big difference lies in how the families begin, in the typical family children get added slowly. The parents, ideally, are there throughout the child's life and make history together. This is something that cannot be fabricated in a stepfamily, there is no history or backstory. There are no bonding experiences which create a relationship dynamic. A stepfamilies formation occurs often after a painful breakup. The children can be hurt, confused, angry, and unsure of the new person entering their life. It's under these circumstances that I am coming into this family.


Building solidarity


As with most relationships, communication is vital. Golish(2003) writes “The ability of a stepfamily to adapt to its changing environment is dependent upon the interrelationships among family members and the larger network of family relationships in which they are embedded”. Furthermore Golish affirms the findings of Hetherington (1993, 1999), saying that “It is also estimated that it takes anywhere from 3 to 5 years for a family to restabilize following stepfamily formation”. When any stepparent joins the family, he or she may have significant concerns as well as expectations regarding the bond he or she has with the stepchildren. I was worried about the solidarity of the family as a unit. It is encouraging to know that time is a healer. As time passes the family will develop its own history and its own rhythm. I want to be part of a strong blended family and the study by Golish(2003) reported that “spending time together, establishing rituals, and direct displays of affection were some of the “communication strengths” that characterized the narratives of strong families”. The Family: A Proclamation to the World backs up these findings affirming that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities”. These principles are not only for a family that includes both biological parents but for any family formation. It is by turning to these principles that we can build strong bonds as a family unit. The process for creating solidarity as a family unit will take longer, particularly as the children heal not only from the breakdown of their original family unit but also adapting to a new family unit with their custodial parent and also a new family with the noncustodial parent. If developing family stability is an important goal and worked towards intentionally, it is possible.


Part of building solidarity as a blended family relies on the strength of the relationship between spouses. Ron L. Deal(2014) writes “Every family, including the stepfamily, is founded on the marital relationship. Yet the complexity of stepfamily life makes nurturing the marital relationship a tremendous challenge”. In a typical family marriage preceeds children as does a honeymoon period, as Ron L.Deal puts it “without a honeymoon period, stepfamily couples are forced to negotiate their partnership at the same time they are solidifying their romance”. Putting the couple's relationship as a priority will help focus on each other, for the consequences of not intentionally putting this relationship first is yet another divorce and more trauma for the children.


Ambiguity in roles


One place that suffers a lot of ambiguity is discipline. Kheshgi-Genovese and Genovese (1997) quotes research which shows “that discipline is frequently reported as the most troublesome issue for remarried spouses.” They explain “If the biological parent rescues the biological children when the stepparent attempts to discipline them or if the biological parent rescues the stepparent from particularly obnoxious behavior by the biological children, the stepparent will feel defeated in his or her attempts to assume a position of authority”.(1997) These roles of disciplinarian are very blurred, will take time to figure out, and will rely on strong communication skills both within the matrimonial bond but also within the stepparent-child bond. As the parent if you are nurturing your relationship with the children's stepparent you need to support decisions but not rescue the parent. These are precarious positions and ones that will take practice.


Conclusion


Good communication between the stepparent and parent as well as between the stepparent and stepchildren will make a difference. While circumstance differ there are books, studies, and other forms of help available to navigate the unique circumstances blended families face. Using these resources with awareness, patience, and an ear for the spirit will help solidify bonds, provide a happy marriage, and a healthy home for the children to grow in. Having open communication lines between both spouses and children will allow for growth when adversity, confusion, and frustration occur.








Bibliography


Deal, R. L. (2014). The smart stepfamily. Minneapolis, Minn.: Bethany House.


Golish, T. D. (2003). Stepfamily communication strengths: Understanding the ties that bind. Human Communication Research, 29(1), 41-80. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/docview/199380366?accountid=9817


Kemp, G., Segal, J., and Robinson, L. (2016). Step Parenting and Blended Families.
Retrieved from http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm


Kheshgi-Genovese, Z., & Genovese, T. A. (1997). Developing the spousal relationship within stepfamilies. Families in Society, 78(3), 255-264. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/docview/230165924?accountid=9817


The family A proclamation to the world (1995) Retrieved from
https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&_r=1

engaged

there is a need for an inbetween post, one between where i am today and where i was in my last post. i finished the year of school later in may 2015. in june i spent a week in cork, where i decided i would go to the temple for a week and later in that week in cork i decided i would go to america since Emma was not able to come to ireland for her time with me. with a couple of days to pack i headed to the temple for a week. it was at the temple i decided i needed to apply to byu.

I had an amazing time during the summer with Emma we got to do some fun things. I got my application in to BYU and decided this was my next step in life, i applied to BYUI just in case i wasnt accepted to BYU, i got accepted to BYUI mid september 2015 and a couple of weeks later i was accepted to BYU. when i found out iwas accepted to BYUI, i felt that thats where i wouldbe attending school. Between being accepted toBYUI and BYU i met Scott online, as the only person i 'knew' in rexburg, i envisioned him being my friend and nothing more.

I arrived in Utah december 13th, and was met - unexpectedly- at the airport by Scott and 3 of his children. i met him a few other times once with emma between christmas and new years and on January 16th we got engaged. I transferred up to BYUI starting in April and have been helping out in the Shelton household since i got here so Scott can also attend BYUI fulltime. In August we will get married and become a blended and complicated family.

reflection

I am much healthier than i was, but still working on recovery, i am still for the most part friendless, while i have college friends, they are settled, happy with their friend groupings and family life out of college and not really anything more than school friends. I was hoping college would satisfy my need for socialising but it hasn't, and midsingles here is a joke, so bar a couple of girls who are happy to chat on a sunday.. friendship isnt happening. I have no one to blame but myself, and the reasons for all that is probably another lengthy post for another day

My Journey thus far has been one of self awareness and now, I NEED a makeover. i see a huge lack in my life, that is i dont have a 'thing'. I'll watch sports but im not passionate about it or particularly care, ill watch a movie but i dont mind one way or another. I used to read to escape, right from when i started to read, then came tv ,now its the internet, escape escape escape. in the past i have: started learning the piano, made a scrapbook, made a quilt, sewn some clothes for me and for my daughter, tried kayaking, white water rafting, painting latch hook rug, knitting, crotchet, and probably a myriad of things i have forgotten,

i became a second mom very young, 3 in fact, thats when my sister came along, my parents read to me, but i read to my siblings, i took care of them- not that my parents were bad i just had a much greater input into my sisters lives than i think i should have, my first day of school, i took care of the kids who were sad to leave their parents, THATS been my thing, taking care of people. the career i am trying to get into will be based on caring for others. dont get me wrong this is something i really want. BUT i need more.

i need a thing, so that when im done with my day, i dont just get online and chat to people i will probably never meet because they are all in the Americas and I am not(while a great support system they still dont satisfy my need for human interaction). i need it so i have something, a hobby, the book i am reading (slowly) The nice girl Syndrome, encourages that i look at things i used to enjoy and rekindle that. what if, there isnt anything? what if, i havent found anything that i have been interested enough in, to pursue? then what? do i pick some random thing and fake enthusiasm for it?

a year ago

A year ago today, while i was sitting at the computer, my parents and siblings still fast asleep (time difference) my friends busy, some having just left me to go on a camping trip. i got an email from my lawyer. the email said "I'm so sorry". I opened the attachment and my world fell apart- i wasn't expecting a decision for another 2 weeks. but there it was. custody was awarded to my ex. I woke up sick today, just like i did on the anniversary of the divorce trial, remembering, how i sat there numb. i couldn't, i just couldnt do anything. i sent some messages to my friends, my family was asleep and just like at the trial i was left alone. again. I KNEW the saviour was with me, He continually showed me his life in my experiences.
I finally did as small children do, i turned to my mom. woke her up in the dead of night and sobbed, inconsolable and unintelligible, she got the message and cried with me, eventually i hung up, knowing my poor mom was not going to get any more sleep. that day was a day of prayer.I cried and i prayed , i had a blessing , my family prayed and received some healing words for me. I am so hurt by watching my daughter be raised away from my influence, skype is not enough, my soul aches without her, I cannot fathom HF's pain as he is lost to some of his children. For most pain i would say face it deal with it and move forward. with all other pains i feel i have done a pretty good job at it. This one though, i hide from the pain, aching with it having the wound reopened, every time i speak to her, knowing she is moving away from what i have taught her, seeing our relationship waning, my importance to her is as of someone outside her family. This is one of those pains you live with, not one of the pains you deal with and move on.
the only positive spin i have on this is. I know this needed to happen. i dont understand it, i dont like it but i know He makes all things work together for my good. I hope it is in his plan that my daughter eventually sees the truth and is able to return to me.(now would be good thxverymuch, but in the eternities will work too)

so what now?

Since I returned home, I have been hiding. Im not really sure how to deal with my emotions. My ex and I chose this path, the path to the destruction of our marriage, and as much as I like to understand people, I am not going to attempt to understand where he is coming from or why.  that is his path, a path that has taken my daughter away from the church. One I won't travel, my path has led me closer to the Saviour, A path filled with agonies I had never imagined. But also a path filled with hope. It has been along time since I had hope.
My faith has blossomed. I have met and continue to meet inspirational people who are powering down the same road as I am blazing a trail to immortality, eternal life and my favourite for right now HAPPINESS.

I find it hard to dwell in the feelings that surround the mess that was once my marriage. I am now an outsider, looking in to another family that contains my daughter and her new siblings. Siblings i longed to give her. Sitting far from what once was, and having no idea what will be. Trying to balance my wants with reality, putting my faith in eternity.   so that leads to the question
So, What Now?
Now i face forward. I do things I wasn't given the chance to. School starts soon, a direction to travel for my previously purposeless driven life.
Now I read scriptures with my daughter via skype- when she lets me.
Now I become comfortable in my skin- or rather i work on me.
Now I figure out what next.

the last and the first

The best place to start is right now. Before I do this is where i stopped my last blog.(march 10 2014)

i cant believe the changes that have happened in my life in the last year, some good, some phenomenal, some terrible. How many of them were necessary and how many of them i caused by not choosing wisely or correctly i cant say. I know that because of everything my character has changed, mostly for the better-i hope-. i still cling to some of the old character, as some kind of protection i guess. 
But on the whole I am happier ,healthier and ready to face a future of uncertainty. I do so without my daughter. knowing that she is happy sometimes helps ease the pain of being without her, but often i am bent low under the burden of knowledge that our mortal relationship is changed, something i can never get back, something i cant recover, or recover from. I knew from many months ago this would leave a hole in my soul and I knew no one can live with a hole in their soul, it is impossible and yet, people do it everyday.
Despite this and maybe because of it, moving forward spiritually has become increasingly important to me. Knowing that my Saviour is beside me carrying my burden with me. Knowing that as much as i would like someone to rescue me from my predicament, it is mine to figure out, mine to solve, mine to survive and something that i will eventually thrive doing. -dont misunderstand me all help is gladly accepted, divine guidance comes often as an idea or thought is expressed by another
My life will probably look messy for quite some time it may never look as one would expect. New realities start everyday, for those who choose to accept them, to change with them, to grow and to nurture the person we want to become.
I falter everyday, i do dumb things everyday.
BUT 1 thing i do most days, and sometimes it is minute by minute is
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I may not do it in the best way, i may not do it the way i should, but i do do it. yes i complain, yes i cry, yes i have pain and heartache, but i am alive, i have an amazing daughter , family and friends who have stood by me, stood up for me , watched over me and very importantly put up with me, I also have a hope for a bright and glorious future. Look out world here i come (slowly, cautiously and quietly of course) Happy birthday