a year ago

A year ago today, while i was sitting at the computer, my parents and siblings still fast asleep (time difference) my friends busy, some having just left me to go on a camping trip. i got an email from my lawyer. the email said "I'm so sorry". I opened the attachment and my world fell apart- i wasn't expecting a decision for another 2 weeks. but there it was. custody was awarded to my ex. I woke up sick today, just like i did on the anniversary of the divorce trial, remembering, how i sat there numb. i couldn't, i just couldnt do anything. i sent some messages to my friends, my family was asleep and just like at the trial i was left alone. again. I KNEW the saviour was with me, He continually showed me his life in my experiences.
I finally did as small children do, i turned to my mom. woke her up in the dead of night and sobbed, inconsolable and unintelligible, she got the message and cried with me, eventually i hung up, knowing my poor mom was not going to get any more sleep. that day was a day of prayer.I cried and i prayed , i had a blessing , my family prayed and received some healing words for me. I am so hurt by watching my daughter be raised away from my influence, skype is not enough, my soul aches without her, I cannot fathom HF's pain as he is lost to some of his children. For most pain i would say face it deal with it and move forward. with all other pains i feel i have done a pretty good job at it. This one though, i hide from the pain, aching with it having the wound reopened, every time i speak to her, knowing she is moving away from what i have taught her, seeing our relationship waning, my importance to her is as of someone outside her family. This is one of those pains you live with, not one of the pains you deal with and move on.
the only positive spin i have on this is. I know this needed to happen. i dont understand it, i dont like it but i know He makes all things work together for my good. I hope it is in his plan that my daughter eventually sees the truth and is able to return to me.(now would be good thxverymuch, but in the eternities will work too)