a year ago

A year ago today, while i was sitting at the computer, my parents and siblings still fast asleep (time difference) my friends busy, some having just left me to go on a camping trip. i got an email from my lawyer. the email said "I'm so sorry". I opened the attachment and my world fell apart- i wasn't expecting a decision for another 2 weeks. but there it was. custody was awarded to my ex. I woke up sick today, just like i did on the anniversary of the divorce trial, remembering, how i sat there numb. i couldn't, i just couldnt do anything. i sent some messages to my friends, my family was asleep and just like at the trial i was left alone. again. I KNEW the saviour was with me, He continually showed me his life in my experiences.
I finally did as small children do, i turned to my mom. woke her up in the dead of night and sobbed, inconsolable and unintelligible, she got the message and cried with me, eventually i hung up, knowing my poor mom was not going to get any more sleep. that day was a day of prayer.I cried and i prayed , i had a blessing , my family prayed and received some healing words for me. I am so hurt by watching my daughter be raised away from my influence, skype is not enough, my soul aches without her, I cannot fathom HF's pain as he is lost to some of his children. For most pain i would say face it deal with it and move forward. with all other pains i feel i have done a pretty good job at it. This one though, i hide from the pain, aching with it having the wound reopened, every time i speak to her, knowing she is moving away from what i have taught her, seeing our relationship waning, my importance to her is as of someone outside her family. This is one of those pains you live with, not one of the pains you deal with and move on.
the only positive spin i have on this is. I know this needed to happen. i dont understand it, i dont like it but i know He makes all things work together for my good. I hope it is in his plan that my daughter eventually sees the truth and is able to return to me.(now would be good thxverymuch, but in the eternities will work too)

so what now?

Since I returned home, I have been hiding. Im not really sure how to deal with my emotions. My ex and I chose this path, the path to the destruction of our marriage, and as much as I like to understand people, I am not going to attempt to understand where he is coming from or why.  that is his path, a path that has taken my daughter away from the church. One I won't travel, my path has led me closer to the Saviour, A path filled with agonies I had never imagined. But also a path filled with hope. It has been along time since I had hope.
My faith has blossomed. I have met and continue to meet inspirational people who are powering down the same road as I am blazing a trail to immortality, eternal life and my favourite for right now HAPPINESS.

I find it hard to dwell in the feelings that surround the mess that was once my marriage. I am now an outsider, looking in to another family that contains my daughter and her new siblings. Siblings i longed to give her. Sitting far from what once was, and having no idea what will be. Trying to balance my wants with reality, putting my faith in eternity.   so that leads to the question
So, What Now?
Now i face forward. I do things I wasn't given the chance to. School starts soon, a direction to travel for my previously purposeless driven life.
Now I read scriptures with my daughter via skype- when she lets me.
Now I become comfortable in my skin- or rather i work on me.
Now I figure out what next.

the last and the first

The best place to start is right now. Before I do this is where i stopped my last blog.(march 10 2014)

i cant believe the changes that have happened in my life in the last year, some good, some phenomenal, some terrible. How many of them were necessary and how many of them i caused by not choosing wisely or correctly i cant say. I know that because of everything my character has changed, mostly for the better-i hope-. i still cling to some of the old character, as some kind of protection i guess. 
But on the whole I am happier ,healthier and ready to face a future of uncertainty. I do so without my daughter. knowing that she is happy sometimes helps ease the pain of being without her, but often i am bent low under the burden of knowledge that our mortal relationship is changed, something i can never get back, something i cant recover, or recover from. I knew from many months ago this would leave a hole in my soul and I knew no one can live with a hole in their soul, it is impossible and yet, people do it everyday.
Despite this and maybe because of it, moving forward spiritually has become increasingly important to me. Knowing that my Saviour is beside me carrying my burden with me. Knowing that as much as i would like someone to rescue me from my predicament, it is mine to figure out, mine to solve, mine to survive and something that i will eventually thrive doing. -dont misunderstand me all help is gladly accepted, divine guidance comes often as an idea or thought is expressed by another
My life will probably look messy for quite some time it may never look as one would expect. New realities start everyday, for those who choose to accept them, to change with them, to grow and to nurture the person we want to become.
I falter everyday, i do dumb things everyday.
BUT 1 thing i do most days, and sometimes it is minute by minute is
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 I may not do it in the best way, i may not do it the way i should, but i do do it. yes i complain, yes i cry, yes i have pain and heartache, but i am alive, i have an amazing daughter , family and friends who have stood by me, stood up for me , watched over me and very importantly put up with me, I also have a hope for a bright and glorious future. Look out world here i come (slowly, cautiously and quietly of course) Happy birthday