reflection

I am much healthier than i was, but still working on recovery, i am still for the most part friendless, while i have college friends, they are settled, happy with their friend groupings and family life out of college and not really anything more than school friends. I was hoping college would satisfy my need for socialising but it hasn't, and midsingles here is a joke, so bar a couple of girls who are happy to chat on a sunday.. friendship isnt happening. I have no one to blame but myself, and the reasons for all that is probably another lengthy post for another day

My Journey thus far has been one of self awareness and now, I NEED a makeover. i see a huge lack in my life, that is i dont have a 'thing'. I'll watch sports but im not passionate about it or particularly care, ill watch a movie but i dont mind one way or another. I used to read to escape, right from when i started to read, then came tv ,now its the internet, escape escape escape. in the past i have: started learning the piano, made a scrapbook, made a quilt, sewn some clothes for me and for my daughter, tried kayaking, white water rafting, painting latch hook rug, knitting, crotchet, and probably a myriad of things i have forgotten,

i became a second mom very young, 3 in fact, thats when my sister came along, my parents read to me, but i read to my siblings, i took care of them- not that my parents were bad i just had a much greater input into my sisters lives than i think i should have, my first day of school, i took care of the kids who were sad to leave their parents, THATS been my thing, taking care of people. the career i am trying to get into will be based on caring for others. dont get me wrong this is something i really want. BUT i need more.

i need a thing, so that when im done with my day, i dont just get online and chat to people i will probably never meet because they are all in the Americas and I am not(while a great support system they still dont satisfy my need for human interaction). i need it so i have something, a hobby, the book i am reading (slowly) The nice girl Syndrome, encourages that i look at things i used to enjoy and rekindle that. what if, there isnt anything? what if, i havent found anything that i have been interested enough in, to pursue? then what? do i pick some random thing and fake enthusiasm for it?