Stepparenting

I like to be prepared. Recently I was thrown in at the deep end of stepparenting, without the kids and I really having prior opportunity to get to know each other. I was not prepared. Did I mention, I like to be prepared?! The timing between their father divorcing and remarrying was far less than suggested by various websites including helpguide.org(2016), which says “Blended families have the highest success rate if the couple waits two years or more after a divorce to remarry, instead of piling one drastic family change onto another”(Kemp, G., Segal, J., and Robinson, L.(2016). Given that the situation wasn’t going to change, I took this opportunity to look at areas of the stepparent and child relationship that needed attention now, as well as aspects that would undoubtedly come up in the future. Having read articles online, one in particular by Golish(2003) caught my attention. She reported in her findings that despite the strength or weakness of the stepfamilies they all faced the similar challenges. She refined them to these 7 categories;


(a) “feeling caught”,
(b) regulating boundaries with a non-custodial family,
(c) ambiguity of parental roles,
(d) “traumatic bonding”
(e) vying for resources,
(f) discrepancies in conflict management styles, and
(g) building solidarity as a family unit.
(Golish, 2003)


These categories have given me insights and direction on areas that I need to improve. For this assignment I decided to focus on; Bonding - building solidarity as a family unit, and Ambiguity in roles.


Stepparenting has similarities and differences to a typical family. However a big difference lies in how the families begin, in the typical family children get added slowly. The parents, ideally, are there throughout the child's life and make history together. This is something that cannot be fabricated in a stepfamily, there is no history or backstory. There are no bonding experiences which create a relationship dynamic. A stepfamilies formation occurs often after a painful breakup. The children can be hurt, confused, angry, and unsure of the new person entering their life. It's under these circumstances that I am coming into this family.


Building solidarity


As with most relationships, communication is vital. Golish(2003) writes “The ability of a stepfamily to adapt to its changing environment is dependent upon the interrelationships among family members and the larger network of family relationships in which they are embedded”. Furthermore Golish affirms the findings of Hetherington (1993, 1999), saying that “It is also estimated that it takes anywhere from 3 to 5 years for a family to restabilize following stepfamily formation”. When any stepparent joins the family, he or she may have significant concerns as well as expectations regarding the bond he or she has with the stepchildren. I was worried about the solidarity of the family as a unit. It is encouraging to know that time is a healer. As time passes the family will develop its own history and its own rhythm. I want to be part of a strong blended family and the study by Golish(2003) reported that “spending time together, establishing rituals, and direct displays of affection were some of the “communication strengths” that characterized the narratives of strong families”. The Family: A Proclamation to the World backs up these findings affirming that, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities”. These principles are not only for a family that includes both biological parents but for any family formation. It is by turning to these principles that we can build strong bonds as a family unit. The process for creating solidarity as a family unit will take longer, particularly as the children heal not only from the breakdown of their original family unit but also adapting to a new family unit with their custodial parent and also a new family with the noncustodial parent. If developing family stability is an important goal and worked towards intentionally, it is possible.


Part of building solidarity as a blended family relies on the strength of the relationship between spouses. Ron L. Deal(2014) writes “Every family, including the stepfamily, is founded on the marital relationship. Yet the complexity of stepfamily life makes nurturing the marital relationship a tremendous challenge”. In a typical family marriage preceeds children as does a honeymoon period, as Ron L.Deal puts it “without a honeymoon period, stepfamily couples are forced to negotiate their partnership at the same time they are solidifying their romance”. Putting the couple's relationship as a priority will help focus on each other, for the consequences of not intentionally putting this relationship first is yet another divorce and more trauma for the children.


Ambiguity in roles


One place that suffers a lot of ambiguity is discipline. Kheshgi-Genovese and Genovese (1997) quotes research which shows “that discipline is frequently reported as the most troublesome issue for remarried spouses.” They explain “If the biological parent rescues the biological children when the stepparent attempts to discipline them or if the biological parent rescues the stepparent from particularly obnoxious behavior by the biological children, the stepparent will feel defeated in his or her attempts to assume a position of authority”.(1997) These roles of disciplinarian are very blurred, will take time to figure out, and will rely on strong communication skills both within the matrimonial bond but also within the stepparent-child bond. As the parent if you are nurturing your relationship with the children's stepparent you need to support decisions but not rescue the parent. These are precarious positions and ones that will take practice.


Conclusion


Good communication between the stepparent and parent as well as between the stepparent and stepchildren will make a difference. While circumstance differ there are books, studies, and other forms of help available to navigate the unique circumstances blended families face. Using these resources with awareness, patience, and an ear for the spirit will help solidify bonds, provide a happy marriage, and a healthy home for the children to grow in. Having open communication lines between both spouses and children will allow for growth when adversity, confusion, and frustration occur.








Bibliography


Deal, R. L. (2014). The smart stepfamily. Minneapolis, Minn.: Bethany House.


Golish, T. D. (2003). Stepfamily communication strengths: Understanding the ties that bind. Human Communication Research, 29(1), 41-80. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/docview/199380366?accountid=9817


Kemp, G., Segal, J., and Robinson, L. (2016). Step Parenting and Blended Families.
Retrieved from http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/step-parenting-blended-families.htm


Kheshgi-Genovese, Z., & Genovese, T. A. (1997). Developing the spousal relationship within stepfamilies. Families in Society, 78(3), 255-264. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com.byui.idm.oclc.org/docview/230165924?accountid=9817


The family A proclamation to the world (1995) Retrieved from
https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&_r=1